Ok, seriously...who keeps Andy Rooney on the air?? Do you watch the nonsense at the end of every 60 Minutes broadcast? This man is far too old to be on my TV. It seems he lost his mind years ago, but everybody at CBS is obviously too scared to fire the old codger. Someone needs to do it! Check out this sample of his genius that passes for news worthy of air in primetime:
Click here to see Andy's non-sensical ramblings!
Did you like those febRUary graphics? Cuz, i wouldn't have understood what the hell he was saying unless it was spelt out for me! Thank god he didn't try and tackle weDnEsday!
Hey, he didn't explain why he thinks of september as an ending-type of month.
Check out those crazy eyebrows-they're wild!
Andy has a computer at his desk?!! Come on! He can't know how to work that thing; obviously just there for show!
More appropriately, there is a magnifying glass on his desk. This, i think, is the limit of the technology he can handle--and then only because it literally has a handle!
If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
02 March 2009
05 February 2009
What a bunch of mullarkey!
~~~~The California Supreme Court recently ruled that all donors to the pro
~~~~Prop 8 campaign shall be made public. This story was posted on
~~~~Towleroad.com on 3 Feb 08:
NEW YORK ARTIST KNOWN FOR 'GAY PRIDE' SUBJECTS IS PROP 8 DONOR
On her website, Chappaqua-based artist Maureen Mullarkey writes, in response to a question about why she uses gay pride parade imagery in her work:
"Because it is a marvelous spectacle, an iconographic lode. There is so much to look at. Art is not about 'appreciating.' It is about looking. People get accustomed to viewing art through a filter of words: theories, press releases, the pieties of art appreciation. Spectacle cuts through the static...I've never really liked parades that much...But when the majorette is a middle-aged man in a tutu and sneakers you know you are not in Kansas and you might want to stay awake."
But Mullarkey apparently has other thoughts about her subjects as well, which she expressed through a financial donation of $1,000 to pass Proposition 8, revoking marriage rights from millions of gay and lesbian Americans.
The New York Daily News reports: "Maureen Mullarkey, 66, made her sizable contribution to the National Organization for Marriage's 'Yes on 8' fund in June, a Daily News review of campaign records found. The Westchester County woman was one of tens of thousands who poured a total of more than $83 million into the coffers of Proposition 8 support groups - money that helped convince California voters to overturn an earlier court decision granting gays the right to marry in the Golden State. Questioned outside her home in tony Chappaqua - the same town where Bill and Hillary Clinton live - she refused to discuss her donation last night. When asked how she could have donated money to fight gay marriage after making money from her depictions of gays, she just said, 'So?...If you write that story, I'll sue you,' she said."
~~~~FYI, Maureen Mullarkey's home page:
http://www. maureenmullarkey. com/home/home. html
Maureen Mullarkey's emails: maureenmullarkey@earthlink.net
and
maureenmullarkey@gmail.com
Mullarkey is a Contributing Editor at ArtCritical: http://www. artcritical. com/
~~~~and, Mullarkey is a real piece of work having also given $500.00 on 09/02/04 to the Swift Boat Veterans smear campaign:
http://forms. irs. gov/politicalOrgsSearch/search/Print. action?formId=21305&formType=E72
Maureen M. Mullarkey
81 Douglas Rd
Chappaqua, NY 10514
Some of Mullarkey's work is sold by:
Silvermine Guild Arts Center
1037 Silvermine Road
New Canaan, CT 06840
Phone: 203-966-9700
http://www. silvermineart. org/gallery/artist_detail. cfm?artistID=137
http://www. silvermineart. org/index. cfm
~~~~Prop 8 campaign shall be made public. This story was posted on
~~~~Towleroad.com on 3 Feb 08:
NEW YORK ARTIST KNOWN FOR 'GAY PRIDE' SUBJECTS IS PROP 8 DONOR
On her website, Chappaqua-based artist Maureen Mullarkey writes, in response to a question about why she uses gay pride parade imagery in her work:
"Because it is a marvelous spectacle, an iconographic lode. There is so much to look at. Art is not about 'appreciating.' It is about looking. People get accustomed to viewing art through a filter of words: theories, press releases, the pieties of art appreciation. Spectacle cuts through the static...I've never really liked parades that much...But when the majorette is a middle-aged man in a tutu and sneakers you know you are not in Kansas and you might want to stay awake."
But Mullarkey apparently has other thoughts about her subjects as well, which she expressed through a financial donation of $1,000 to pass Proposition 8, revoking marriage rights from millions of gay and lesbian Americans.
The New York Daily News reports: "Maureen Mullarkey, 66, made her sizable contribution to the National Organization for Marriage's 'Yes on 8' fund in June, a Daily News review of campaign records found. The Westchester County woman was one of tens of thousands who poured a total of more than $83 million into the coffers of Proposition 8 support groups - money that helped convince California voters to overturn an earlier court decision granting gays the right to marry in the Golden State. Questioned outside her home in tony Chappaqua - the same town where Bill and Hillary Clinton live - she refused to discuss her donation last night. When asked how she could have donated money to fight gay marriage after making money from her depictions of gays, she just said, 'So?...If you write that story, I'll sue you,' she said."
~~~~FYI, Maureen Mullarkey's home page:
http://www. maureenmullarkey. com/home/home. html
Maureen Mullarkey's emails: maureenmullarkey@earthlink.net
and
maureenmullarkey@gmail.com
Mullarkey is a Contributing Editor at ArtCritical: http://www. artcritical. com/
~~~~and, Mullarkey is a real piece of work having also given $500.00 on 09/02/04 to the Swift Boat Veterans smear campaign:
http://forms. irs. gov/politicalOrgsSearch/search/Print. action?formId=21305&formType=E72
Maureen M. Mullarkey
81 Douglas Rd
Chappaqua, NY 10514
Some of Mullarkey's work is sold by:
Silvermine Guild Arts Center
1037 Silvermine Road
New Canaan, CT 06840
Phone: 203-966-9700
http://www. silvermineart. org/gallery/artist_detail. cfm?artistID=137
http://www. silvermineart. org/index. cfm
04 February 2009
UnFortunate Cookie
So i found this fortune cookie under my friend's car seat whilst looking for the fallen cap to my bottled water. I was reading the ingredients--why? idk, i was drunk? i was bored? i'm a health-nut? No, no, that's definately not it! No, let's go with drunk. What's important here is what was listed in the ingredients, or shall i say, was not listed:
Bleached wheat flour, sugar, water, partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil, soybean lecithin, sodium bicarbonate, natural orange flavor, FD&C yellow #5 & #6.
Wait, there is something missing here.... Does not this cookie also contain A FORTUNE?!
Fatty that i am, you know i ate it. Not before offering it to the car's owner, of course. I mean, i'm fat, but i'm not rude. So the "fortune," of course is something totally vague/non-specific &/or all-encompassing, like "Live in THIS moment."
1) Live in in THAT moment?!! Are you serious? I was drunk, so i should just stay drunk all the time?! Not wise advice to a practicing alcoholic, Mr Cookie, i must say!
Which brings me to: 2) This is not a fortune, in fact, this is not even advice! Advice would be in the subjunctive, would it not? As in "You should live...." (Davida, correct me if i am wrong) Dare i say, this is a command?!! I don't know about y'all, but i am not in the habit of listening to my food. My, stomach, yes; food no. I mean, i quite enjoy a big, heapin' bowl of puffy, gay-rainbow colored goodness that we know and love as Trix--i don't care if it is just for kids. I'm with that silly rabbit, i won't listen. (BTW, a rabbit, turning trix, how appropriate and hillarious! Sometimes at night i turn trix----->into dinner.)
Lastly, sodium bicarbonate..., bicarbonate..., carbonate.... Is that what Hans Solo was encased in in the Empire Strikes Back? Was he, in fact, encased in some kind of giant, super-cosmic, extraterrestrial, furturistic fortune cookie? Heehee! If so, what was Jabba the Hut's fortune, "death becomes you?" Hahaha!
Post-lastley: Java the Hut--what i great name for a coffee shop. No, wait, i'm sure some one's already thought of this, maybe a funny Youtube vid: Tony get your best people on this! haha!
DISCLAIMER: NO i am NOT high.
or drunk.
Bleached wheat flour, sugar, water, partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil, soybean lecithin, sodium bicarbonate, natural orange flavor, FD&C yellow #5 & #6.
Wait, there is something missing here.... Does not this cookie also contain A FORTUNE?!
Fatty that i am, you know i ate it. Not before offering it to the car's owner, of course. I mean, i'm fat, but i'm not rude. So the "fortune," of course is something totally vague/non-specific &/or all-encompassing, like "Live in THIS moment."
1) Live in in THAT moment?!! Are you serious? I was drunk, so i should just stay drunk all the time?! Not wise advice to a practicing alcoholic, Mr Cookie, i must say!
Which brings me to: 2) This is not a fortune, in fact, this is not even advice! Advice would be in the subjunctive, would it not? As in "You should live...." (Davida, correct me if i am wrong) Dare i say, this is a command?!! I don't know about y'all, but i am not in the habit of listening to my food. My, stomach, yes; food no. I mean, i quite enjoy a big, heapin' bowl of puffy, gay-rainbow colored goodness that we know and love as Trix--i don't care if it is just for kids. I'm with that silly rabbit, i won't listen. (BTW, a rabbit, turning trix, how appropriate and hillarious! Sometimes at night i turn trix----->into dinner.)
Lastly, sodium bicarbonate..., bicarbonate..., carbonate.... Is that what Hans Solo was encased in in the Empire Strikes Back? Was he, in fact, encased in some kind of giant, super-cosmic, extraterrestrial, furturistic fortune cookie? Heehee! If so, what was Jabba the Hut's fortune, "death becomes you?" Hahaha!
Post-lastley: Java the Hut--what i great name for a coffee shop. No, wait, i'm sure some one's already thought of this, maybe a funny Youtube vid: Tony get your best people on this! haha!
DISCLAIMER: NO i am NOT high.
or drunk.
The WTF Files: Just Say Huh? to Drugs.
OK, for those of you who watch TV, you may have seen the commercials for a couple different asthma medications. One of them is Advair, i forget what the other is. On either one, however, if you listen to the side-effects, one of them is
ASTHMA-RELATED-DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you fucking kidding me???!!!!!
DOC: I'm going to write you this presciption. Take one a day. You may experience some side-effects, like headaches, coughing, sore throat, death, nausea or vomiting. If any of those become unbearable give me a call and we'll switch your medication.
FOOL: Oh, ok,--wait! What?!! Death?!!!!
DOC: Well, for that one, if you wake up dead, stop taking the pills and call your mortician immediately, she'll take care of you from there.
DOC: Oh, by the way, uh..., we're gonna need you to pay your bill before you leave the office today..., yeah..., thanks. And good luck!
What if this happens with other medications, like, idk, say, Viagra. What if you radiply got such a big woody it just stabbed you in the heart. Like schwing, splat, odie, odie, odie!!! Like some pervert vampire named Garth being run through with a stake!
IDK, i just gotta say, WTF with this one!
ASTHMA-RELATED-DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you fucking kidding me???!!!!!
DOC: I'm going to write you this presciption. Take one a day. You may experience some side-effects, like headaches, coughing, sore throat, death, nausea or vomiting. If any of those become unbearable give me a call and we'll switch your medication.
FOOL: Oh, ok,--wait! What?!! Death?!!!!
DOC: Well, for that one, if you wake up dead, stop taking the pills and call your mortician immediately, she'll take care of you from there.
DOC: Oh, by the way, uh..., we're gonna need you to pay your bill before you leave the office today..., yeah..., thanks. And good luck!
What if this happens with other medications, like, idk, say, Viagra. What if you radiply got such a big woody it just stabbed you in the heart. Like schwing, splat, odie, odie, odie!!! Like some pervert vampire named Garth being run through with a stake!
IDK, i just gotta say, WTF with this one!
27 January 2009
Mon agrafeuse, i am so confused!
So i have this stapler, that i got from work (it's ok, the company is no longer in business-- and no, they're not out of business cuz i've been swipin' office supplies!). So it is out of staples and i need to go get more. I don't expect the local drug store to carry the staples i need, and they don't. So i go to Office Depot, but they don't have the correct size staples either. Hmmm. Maybe there is a more appropriate store to which i should go. Ah, yes there seems to be an office supply store named...wait for it..., Staples! Perhaps you've heard of it. Yes, well, if anyplace should carry the correct size staples for my rescued (not stolen!) stapler it should be the place named Staples. I mean, shit, the fucking letter L in their logo is a goddamn staple, right? Surely they'll've the thing i need: staples. [i think you see where this is going...]
Do you know that in that whole great big building, they only have like 3 kinds of staples?!!
WTF?!!!
Well, i guess for now my stapler will be but a black steely hunk of nostalgia until i conclude the hunt for the elusive 1/4" staple.
Do you know that in that whole great big building, they only have like 3 kinds of staples?!!
WTF?!!!
Well, i guess for now my stapler will be but a black steely hunk of nostalgia until i conclude the hunt for the elusive 1/4" staple.
25 January 2009
HOW I ROLL...
Ok, so what is the proper way to load a roll of toilet paper on the toilet-paper-roll-holder-thing? i prefer to have the loose end hang away from the wall. This gives one ample room to easily grab the hanging end and pull down. Where ever the tear is, one can see it. Whether it is below the roll, hanging for easy grabbing for the next wipe, or even if it is on the top of the roll, one can at least see where the tear was and grab it easily from that point.
My roommate prefers to have the loose end hang against the wall, but then one has to scrape against the wall to grab the loose end. Plus, if it tears above the bottom of the roll, one doesn't know where the end is and must turn the roll to find it.
So i ask, which is the correct way?
My roommate prefers to have the loose end hang against the wall, but then one has to scrape against the wall to grab the loose end. Plus, if it tears above the bottom of the roll, one doesn't know where the end is and must turn the roll to find it.
So i ask, which is the correct way?
04 January 2009
Notes From The Trenches
I've worked retail for 10 years. Guess you could say I'm an old veteran now. I think I need to be decorated with some kind of war medal or somethin', I know my merv brothers and sisters will agree. Yes, it takes a special breed to deal with the public. Over the years I've heard all kinds of BS. Check out these golden nuggets:
This happened recently during our liquidation process. During this process we no longer accepted personal checks—standard practice during a liquidation, but I don't expect everyone to know that. So we posted signs. Big ones. Three, in fact. They were in black and yellow, the very combination by the way, which has been scientifically proven to be the easiest to read by humans (don't ask how I know this). So I am alone at the register, ringing people up. I have a line. After each person, I say "next," and as I hold yet a fourth sign which explains what tenders I accept, I also verbally explain that I can take credit only, no cash, no debit. So this warped frustrated old man and his wife come up to the desk. I give them their total. I notice he starts writing a check:
Ryan: I'm sorry, sir, we no longer take checks. Like announced before you came up, this is a credit-card only line. You may pay by cash or debit anywhere else in the store.
Warped frustrated old man: what?
Wife: They don't take checks, dear.
Warped frustrated old man: Wha?!! Well, they should post a goddamn sign or something!
Frustrated ryan: Actually, sir, there is a goddamn sign posted there, there, there and there. (oh, that felt good)
Warpy: How much is it? (as he pulls cash out of his wallet)
Ryan: sir, this is a credit only line…
Why are people stupid? Why??
Check out this bitch:
Cusomer: I want to return this.
Ryan: I'm sorry, your receipt is expired, this is no longer returnable.
Customer: I know it's expired, but you can take it back.
Ryan: There are some instances in which we can take something back in spite of an expired receipt, unfortunately, this is not one of those times, because we no longer carry this item.
Customer: Well, I was out of the country, so I couldn't bring it back.
Ryan: well, the time allowance on our return policy is quite generous. You had 90 days to return or exchange the item. Some stores only give you a week to return or exchange. If you can't get it here within 3 months there is nothing further I can do.
Customer: I know, but I was out of the country so how could I return it? I could not return it. I just got back yesterday.
Oh I'm sorry, let me have the entire corporation revolve around your fucking calendar. Bitch it's not my fault you were out of the goddamn country. Why didn't you stay out of the goddamn country you fucking slut!! Give me a fucking break!!! Goddamnit!!!! In fact, do I detect an accent? Don't make me call ICE on yo' ass! Bitch!!
How about this one:
Customer comes in and says, he's interested in a hoodie but didn't wanna pay a whole lot. I was busy with another customer, but asked one of my associates to show him to our less expensive hoodies. A couple of minutes go by and my associate comes up to me and asks me to help the same guy. I ask why and am told he wants some kind of discount. I walk up to him and ask how I can help him. In a long and drawn-out way he starts explaining how he thinks he wants a hoodie. He wants me to reduce the price though. He is kinda wishy-washy about it. He actually said that he wasn't quite sure he even really wanted a hoodie, but had never had one before and thinks he wants one now. Here's the kicker, to get me to reduce the price, he lays this one on me: "my doctor says I have only 4 months to live." Are you fucking kidding me?!! He kept going on trying to haggle with me. Look asshole, if you got 4 months to live, don't fucking waste your precious time trying to argue with me. Fucking take your whiny disease-ridden ass to Big Lots or some shit, buy one for a fucking 1$. In fact, I hope you do buy a cheap-ass one for a dollar, and I hope it is hella thin, and I hope you fucking catch pneumonia and I hope you die early! Put yourself out of my misery already, you prick! Fuck, get outta my face!
Once, a customer wanted to return something that we no longer carried. It was so old, the computer no longer even recognized the barcode. I explained that we could not make such a return or exchange. She would not exactly take no for an answer. She wasn't one of those I'm right and you're wrong kinda bitches, rather she was one of those whine-until-i-get-my-way kinda bitches. You know the kind? Anyhoo, she hits me with this load of crap: "please, you don't understand, if you don't take it back for the cash my husband is gonna divorce me!" Are you fucking serious, Ho?!! Did that shit just spew outta your mouth and into my ears?!!! Look you fucking cunt, if your husband divorces you for not coming back with refund money, trust me bitch, he ain't divorcing you cuz you couldn't bring back the measly 8$ the fucking apparel was worth. He's divorcing yo' bitch-ass cuz you're a fucking whining whore who can't keep track of her finances. Fact is, the pimp just needed to put his foot down—or should I say his hand—across your punk-ass face, biatch! Damn you must give his pimp hand some good exercise! You best go home and get on your knees and beg of his forgiveness. While you're down there why don't you take his fucking cock in your mouth too? Probably another reason he's divorcing your ass. Maybe if you'da done that over the years, he might not mind your overdrawn pocketbook, shit, as long as he's getting some. But no, you're like, ack, ack, I'm gagging! Waa, waa!
Bitch you'll take it and you'll like it, HO!
Goddamn, some bitches got nerve!
Oh, this is one of my fav exchanges:
Customer: I want to speak to the manager.
Ryan: I am the manager! (yeah, what now, asshole?!!)
Heehee, I love that one.
well, if i think of more stories, i'll post 'em, but that's all i gots fer now.
This happened recently during our liquidation process. During this process we no longer accepted personal checks—standard practice during a liquidation, but I don't expect everyone to know that. So we posted signs. Big ones. Three, in fact. They were in black and yellow, the very combination by the way, which has been scientifically proven to be the easiest to read by humans (don't ask how I know this). So I am alone at the register, ringing people up. I have a line. After each person, I say "next," and as I hold yet a fourth sign which explains what tenders I accept, I also verbally explain that I can take credit only, no cash, no debit. So this warped frustrated old man and his wife come up to the desk. I give them their total. I notice he starts writing a check:
Ryan: I'm sorry, sir, we no longer take checks. Like announced before you came up, this is a credit-card only line. You may pay by cash or debit anywhere else in the store.
Warped frustrated old man: what?
Wife: They don't take checks, dear.
Warped frustrated old man: Wha?!! Well, they should post a goddamn sign or something!
Frustrated ryan: Actually, sir, there is a goddamn sign posted there, there, there and there. (oh, that felt good)
Warpy: How much is it? (as he pulls cash out of his wallet)
Ryan: sir, this is a credit only line…
Why are people stupid? Why??
Check out this bitch:
Cusomer: I want to return this.
Ryan: I'm sorry, your receipt is expired, this is no longer returnable.
Customer: I know it's expired, but you can take it back.
Ryan: There are some instances in which we can take something back in spite of an expired receipt, unfortunately, this is not one of those times, because we no longer carry this item.
Customer: Well, I was out of the country, so I couldn't bring it back.
Ryan: well, the time allowance on our return policy is quite generous. You had 90 days to return or exchange the item. Some stores only give you a week to return or exchange. If you can't get it here within 3 months there is nothing further I can do.
Customer: I know, but I was out of the country so how could I return it? I could not return it. I just got back yesterday.
Oh I'm sorry, let me have the entire corporation revolve around your fucking calendar. Bitch it's not my fault you were out of the goddamn country. Why didn't you stay out of the goddamn country you fucking slut!! Give me a fucking break!!! Goddamnit!!!! In fact, do I detect an accent? Don't make me call ICE on yo' ass! Bitch!!
How about this one:
Customer comes in and says, he's interested in a hoodie but didn't wanna pay a whole lot. I was busy with another customer, but asked one of my associates to show him to our less expensive hoodies. A couple of minutes go by and my associate comes up to me and asks me to help the same guy. I ask why and am told he wants some kind of discount. I walk up to him and ask how I can help him. In a long and drawn-out way he starts explaining how he thinks he wants a hoodie. He wants me to reduce the price though. He is kinda wishy-washy about it. He actually said that he wasn't quite sure he even really wanted a hoodie, but had never had one before and thinks he wants one now. Here's the kicker, to get me to reduce the price, he lays this one on me: "my doctor says I have only 4 months to live." Are you fucking kidding me?!! He kept going on trying to haggle with me. Look asshole, if you got 4 months to live, don't fucking waste your precious time trying to argue with me. Fucking take your whiny disease-ridden ass to Big Lots or some shit, buy one for a fucking 1$. In fact, I hope you do buy a cheap-ass one for a dollar, and I hope it is hella thin, and I hope you fucking catch pneumonia and I hope you die early! Put yourself out of my misery already, you prick! Fuck, get outta my face!
Once, a customer wanted to return something that we no longer carried. It was so old, the computer no longer even recognized the barcode. I explained that we could not make such a return or exchange. She would not exactly take no for an answer. She wasn't one of those I'm right and you're wrong kinda bitches, rather she was one of those whine-until-i-get-my-way kinda bitches. You know the kind? Anyhoo, she hits me with this load of crap: "please, you don't understand, if you don't take it back for the cash my husband is gonna divorce me!" Are you fucking serious, Ho?!! Did that shit just spew outta your mouth and into my ears?!!! Look you fucking cunt, if your husband divorces you for not coming back with refund money, trust me bitch, he ain't divorcing you cuz you couldn't bring back the measly 8$ the fucking apparel was worth. He's divorcing yo' bitch-ass cuz you're a fucking whining whore who can't keep track of her finances. Fact is, the pimp just needed to put his foot down—or should I say his hand—across your punk-ass face, biatch! Damn you must give his pimp hand some good exercise! You best go home and get on your knees and beg of his forgiveness. While you're down there why don't you take his fucking cock in your mouth too? Probably another reason he's divorcing your ass. Maybe if you'da done that over the years, he might not mind your overdrawn pocketbook, shit, as long as he's getting some. But no, you're like, ack, ack, I'm gagging! Waa, waa!
Bitch you'll take it and you'll like it, HO!
Goddamn, some bitches got nerve!
Oh, this is one of my fav exchanges:
Customer: I want to speak to the manager.
Ryan: I am the manager! (yeah, what now, asshole?!!)
Heehee, I love that one.
well, if i think of more stories, i'll post 'em, but that's all i gots fer now.
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