I want to "invade" you. I want to "shoot my missle
off" within your "borders."
Baby, I want to "bring up the rear" & set off my "dirty bomb" inside your "no man's land."
Premature...?!? No, no, baby..."PREEMPTIVE strike" Trust me, I got plenty more "missiles" to fire off!
-ry
If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
23 June 2010
22 June 2010
This just in: The new international symbol for surrender is no longer a white flag, it is now the French flag. Be advised. That is all.
After posting this on twitter about France's horrible performance at the World Cup (both on and off the pitch), i was sent this link.
25 May 2010
Time Warner Cable, How I Do Loathe Thee!
Can i just tell you how fucking much i HATE Time Warner Cable? Please? OK, here goes (from my twitter account):
I fucking swear, if TimeWarnerCable were a person, i'd murder her! Quit fucking with my #Dodgers game! #goshmutherfuckingdamnpieceofshitcunt
I might as well listen to the game on the radio, cuz this Time Warner transmission keeps blacking out! #Dodgers #Cubs #shittyoverpricedcable
Some of the most evil things in history: Torquemada, Hitler, the Eighteenth Amendment, Jiang Qing, Israel, God & TIME WARNER CABLE!!! Grrrr!
I wanna get all Torquemada on Time Warner Cable's ass after a Twenty-first Amendment binge. #drunkANDpissedoffryanisntpretty
I wish TimeWarnerCable's headquarters were located ontopof the DeepwaterHorizon oil rig! Eww, can u imagine how much dirtier the gulf'd be?!
Time Warner Cable can suck my ripe, un-showered ass after i've eaten a bushel of beans!
If the FBI could read my thoughts, i'd be arrested for making XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX against a certain corporation.
Subscribing to Time Warner Cable makes the baby Jesus cry!
Teacher says, every time Time Warner's phone rings for a new subscription, an angel goes to hell!
I think the oil spill was caused by someone on the rig throwing the tv at the well cuz Time Warner's service sucks ass!
The Titanic didn't sink, cuz it hit an iceberg. It sank cuz it hit a big piece of Time Warner's bullshit!
The Jews didn't kill Jesus, Time Warner's ancestors did.
Time Warner is the main cause of global warming, due to the steam coming out of its subscribers' ears!
In 2012, Time Warner will take over all TV transmission, bringing about the end of the world as predicted.
Oil spill was caused by Time Warner execs vacationing. When they went 4 a swim, they made the water all dirty w/ their slimy scummy selves!
The real end of 24 was that Time Warner was behind all the terrorism, but they threatened to not air it, so a new ending was written.
If Time Warner ran Disneyland, it would be known as the Fucking UNhappiest place on Earth.
Time Warner Cable is a slut: it's screwing people night and day!
If Time Warner cable were a gay man, he'd be a top, considering how many people Time Warner fucks in the ass every day.
That Lakers game sucked, but not as much as Time Warner Sucks.
Time warner sucks so much, they could single-handedly suck up all the oil in the gulf!
If China really wanted a reliable way 2censor the TV & internet, they should let Time Warner take over service-then no 1 would see anything!
If Time Warner's service were a person, it could file for unemployment, since it never works!
If Time Warner's transmission were Mother Nature, we'd have another ice age, since it's always freezing!
I fucking swear, if TimeWarnerCable were a person, i'd murder her! Quit fucking with my #Dodgers game! #goshmutherfuckingdamnpieceofshitcunt
I might as well listen to the game on the radio, cuz this Time Warner transmission keeps blacking out! #Dodgers #Cubs #shittyoverpricedcable
Some of the most evil things in history: Torquemada, Hitler, the Eighteenth Amendment, Jiang Qing, Israel, God & TIME WARNER CABLE!!! Grrrr!
I wanna get all Torquemada on Time Warner Cable's ass after a Twenty-first Amendment binge. #drunkANDpissedoffryanisntpretty
I wish TimeWarnerCable's headquarters were located ontopof the DeepwaterHorizon oil rig! Eww, can u imagine how much dirtier the gulf'd be?!
Time Warner Cable can suck my ripe, un-showered ass after i've eaten a bushel of beans!
If the FBI could read my thoughts, i'd be arrested for making XXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX against a certain corporation.
Subscribing to Time Warner Cable makes the baby Jesus cry!
Teacher says, every time Time Warner's phone rings for a new subscription, an angel goes to hell!
I think the oil spill was caused by someone on the rig throwing the tv at the well cuz Time Warner's service sucks ass!
The Titanic didn't sink, cuz it hit an iceberg. It sank cuz it hit a big piece of Time Warner's bullshit!
The Jews didn't kill Jesus, Time Warner's ancestors did.
Time Warner is the main cause of global warming, due to the steam coming out of its subscribers' ears!
In 2012, Time Warner will take over all TV transmission, bringing about the end of the world as predicted.
Oil spill was caused by Time Warner execs vacationing. When they went 4 a swim, they made the water all dirty w/ their slimy scummy selves!
The real end of 24 was that Time Warner was behind all the terrorism, but they threatened to not air it, so a new ending was written.
If Time Warner ran Disneyland, it would be known as the Fucking UNhappiest place on Earth.
Time Warner Cable is a slut: it's screwing people night and day!
If Time Warner cable were a gay man, he'd be a top, considering how many people Time Warner fucks in the ass every day.
That Lakers game sucked, but not as much as Time Warner Sucks.
Time warner sucks so much, they could single-handedly suck up all the oil in the gulf!
If China really wanted a reliable way 2censor the TV & internet, they should let Time Warner take over service-then no 1 would see anything!
If Time Warner's service were a person, it could file for unemployment, since it never works!
If Time Warner's transmission were Mother Nature, we'd have another ice age, since it's always freezing!
02 March 2009
Oldy Rooney, what a looney!
Ok, seriously...who keeps Andy Rooney on the air?? Do you watch the nonsense at the end of every 60 Minutes broadcast? This man is far too old to be on my TV. It seems he lost his mind years ago, but everybody at CBS is obviously too scared to fire the old codger. Someone needs to do it! Check out this sample of his genius that passes for news worthy of air in primetime:
Click here to see Andy's non-sensical ramblings!
Did you like those febRUary graphics? Cuz, i wouldn't have understood what the hell he was saying unless it was spelt out for me! Thank god he didn't try and tackle weDnEsday!
Hey, he didn't explain why he thinks of september as an ending-type of month.
Check out those crazy eyebrows-they're wild!
Andy has a computer at his desk?!! Come on! He can't know how to work that thing; obviously just there for show!
More appropriately, there is a magnifying glass on his desk. This, i think, is the limit of the technology he can handle--and then only because it literally has a handle!
Click here to see Andy's non-sensical ramblings!
Did you like those febRUary graphics? Cuz, i wouldn't have understood what the hell he was saying unless it was spelt out for me! Thank god he didn't try and tackle weDnEsday!
Hey, he didn't explain why he thinks of september as an ending-type of month.
Check out those crazy eyebrows-they're wild!
Andy has a computer at his desk?!! Come on! He can't know how to work that thing; obviously just there for show!
More appropriately, there is a magnifying glass on his desk. This, i think, is the limit of the technology he can handle--and then only because it literally has a handle!
04 February 2009
UnFortunate Cookie
So i found this fortune cookie under my friend's car seat whilst looking for the fallen cap to my bottled water. I was reading the ingredients--why? idk, i was drunk? i was bored? i'm a health-nut? No, no, that's definately not it! No, let's go with drunk. What's important here is what was listed in the ingredients, or shall i say, was not listed:
Bleached wheat flour, sugar, water, partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil, soybean lecithin, sodium bicarbonate, natural orange flavor, FD&C yellow #5 & #6.
Wait, there is something missing here.... Does not this cookie also contain A FORTUNE?!
Fatty that i am, you know i ate it. Not before offering it to the car's owner, of course. I mean, i'm fat, but i'm not rude. So the "fortune," of course is something totally vague/non-specific &/or all-encompassing, like "Live in THIS moment."
1) Live in in THAT moment?!! Are you serious? I was drunk, so i should just stay drunk all the time?! Not wise advice to a practicing alcoholic, Mr Cookie, i must say!
Which brings me to: 2) This is not a fortune, in fact, this is not even advice! Advice would be in the subjunctive, would it not? As in "You should live...." (Davida, correct me if i am wrong) Dare i say, this is a command?!! I don't know about y'all, but i am not in the habit of listening to my food. My, stomach, yes; food no. I mean, i quite enjoy a big, heapin' bowl of puffy, gay-rainbow colored goodness that we know and love as Trix--i don't care if it is just for kids. I'm with that silly rabbit, i won't listen. (BTW, a rabbit, turning trix, how appropriate and hillarious! Sometimes at night i turn trix----->into dinner.)
Lastly, sodium bicarbonate..., bicarbonate..., carbonate.... Is that what Hans Solo was encased in in the Empire Strikes Back? Was he, in fact, encased in some kind of giant, super-cosmic, extraterrestrial, furturistic fortune cookie? Heehee! If so, what was Jabba the Hut's fortune, "death becomes you?" Hahaha!
Post-lastley: Java the Hut--what i great name for a coffee shop. No, wait, i'm sure some one's already thought of this, maybe a funny Youtube vid: Tony get your best people on this! haha!
DISCLAIMER: NO i am NOT high.
or drunk.
Bleached wheat flour, sugar, water, partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oil, soybean lecithin, sodium bicarbonate, natural orange flavor, FD&C yellow #5 & #6.
Wait, there is something missing here.... Does not this cookie also contain A FORTUNE?!
Fatty that i am, you know i ate it. Not before offering it to the car's owner, of course. I mean, i'm fat, but i'm not rude. So the "fortune," of course is something totally vague/non-specific &/or all-encompassing, like "Live in THIS moment."
1) Live in in THAT moment?!! Are you serious? I was drunk, so i should just stay drunk all the time?! Not wise advice to a practicing alcoholic, Mr Cookie, i must say!
Which brings me to: 2) This is not a fortune, in fact, this is not even advice! Advice would be in the subjunctive, would it not? As in "You should live...." (Davida, correct me if i am wrong) Dare i say, this is a command?!! I don't know about y'all, but i am not in the habit of listening to my food. My, stomach, yes; food no. I mean, i quite enjoy a big, heapin' bowl of puffy, gay-rainbow colored goodness that we know and love as Trix--i don't care if it is just for kids. I'm with that silly rabbit, i won't listen. (BTW, a rabbit, turning trix, how appropriate and hillarious! Sometimes at night i turn trix----->into dinner.)
Lastly, sodium bicarbonate..., bicarbonate..., carbonate.... Is that what Hans Solo was encased in in the Empire Strikes Back? Was he, in fact, encased in some kind of giant, super-cosmic, extraterrestrial, furturistic fortune cookie? Heehee! If so, what was Jabba the Hut's fortune, "death becomes you?" Hahaha!
Post-lastley: Java the Hut--what i great name for a coffee shop. No, wait, i'm sure some one's already thought of this, maybe a funny Youtube vid: Tony get your best people on this! haha!
DISCLAIMER: NO i am NOT high.
or drunk.
The WTF Files: Just Say Huh? to Drugs.
OK, for those of you who watch TV, you may have seen the commercials for a couple different asthma medications. One of them is Advair, i forget what the other is. On either one, however, if you listen to the side-effects, one of them is
ASTHMA-RELATED-DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you fucking kidding me???!!!!!
DOC: I'm going to write you this presciption. Take one a day. You may experience some side-effects, like headaches, coughing, sore throat, death, nausea or vomiting. If any of those become unbearable give me a call and we'll switch your medication.
FOOL: Oh, ok,--wait! What?!! Death?!!!!
DOC: Well, for that one, if you wake up dead, stop taking the pills and call your mortician immediately, she'll take care of you from there.
DOC: Oh, by the way, uh..., we're gonna need you to pay your bill before you leave the office today..., yeah..., thanks. And good luck!
What if this happens with other medications, like, idk, say, Viagra. What if you radiply got such a big woody it just stabbed you in the heart. Like schwing, splat, odie, odie, odie!!! Like some pervert vampire named Garth being run through with a stake!
IDK, i just gotta say, WTF with this one!
ASTHMA-RELATED-DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you fucking kidding me???!!!!!
DOC: I'm going to write you this presciption. Take one a day. You may experience some side-effects, like headaches, coughing, sore throat, death, nausea or vomiting. If any of those become unbearable give me a call and we'll switch your medication.
FOOL: Oh, ok,--wait! What?!! Death?!!!!
DOC: Well, for that one, if you wake up dead, stop taking the pills and call your mortician immediately, she'll take care of you from there.
DOC: Oh, by the way, uh..., we're gonna need you to pay your bill before you leave the office today..., yeah..., thanks. And good luck!
What if this happens with other medications, like, idk, say, Viagra. What if you radiply got such a big woody it just stabbed you in the heart. Like schwing, splat, odie, odie, odie!!! Like some pervert vampire named Garth being run through with a stake!
IDK, i just gotta say, WTF with this one!
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