OK, so i am being threatened on many different fronts. It started in college with those e-mails. Then on myspace, through bulletins. Over the last couple years i received them through texts on my mobile. Now, finally, it has caught up to me on facebook. I hear it happens on YouTube as well.
I speak, of course, of chain-mail. No, not what knights wore in the days of yore. Rather, i speak the sometimes deceptive, usually threatening, and always annoying chain-letters. Yes, like a virus, they have mutated on pandemic proportions into many different forms of chain- . . . whatever: chain-bulletins, chain-texts, chain-apps, chain-videos.
I understand that this shit even existed in the hey-days of snail mail. People actually wasted money on paper, envelopes and stamps not to mention their precious time trying to write or use a typewriter (remember those?) to copy the same shit 10 or 20 times so that they could forward it to their unsuspecting friends and acquaintances.
They start off innocently enough sometimes, don’t they? A touching story, a funny anecdote, a thoughtful wish or blessing. Sometimes it is just straight religious propaganda. Sometimes you know what’s coming and scroll right down to the bottom to find it: first, the fortune .
Send/forward this message to 30 of your closest friends and you :
~ Will come into financial well-being
~ Will find your true love at midnight tonight
~ Will be blessed by God and live an eternal after-life of peace
~ Et cetera
I’m sorry, do you really think that i believe this shit?! So what is gonna happen, is a pumpkin coach gonna pull up, some frog gonna jump out and onto someone’s lap and magically turn into a fairy princess or prince charming when they kiss it?!! Am i gonna win the lotto—i don’t even play the lotto! Oh no, wait i’m gonna get rich cuz a long lost relative is gonna croak and leave me a million or two—well that’s nice: someone dies. Idiots!!! BTW, who has 30 close friends?!?!?
Oh, but wait…if you don’t send/forward this, it’s a threat you get:
~ You will have seven years bad luck
~ You’ll never find true love
~ Die early
~ Et cetera
Are you fucking kidding me?!! You’re threatening me!?! Well, FUCK YOU!!! How dare you, you god-damn, mother-fucking, cock-sucking, ass-licking, bitch-troll from hell, piece of shit!!!!!!!!!! Wait…! —Uncle Bob?!?!?!?! You sent this?!?!?!?!?
The hell of it is i don’t ever recall receiving this shit in my bulk/junk folder as spam or otherwise from random people i don’t know. No, sir. The hell of it is, this bullshit is coming from friends and acquaintances, even family—WTF?
I got a chain-text from my [unnamed relative] on Easter. It was like, “Oh what did you get me for the holiday? Chain mail, oh great! Now I’ll be protected from rogue knights with broadswords and angry great white sharks—oh, wait…wrong kind of chain mail. You shouldn’t have. No, really you shouldn’t have!”
My [other unnamed relative] sent me a chain-forward. It was quite disgusting in that it was self-referential: the point of the story was that God would bless all those who read the forward, but you had to forward it to seven people. It ended with, “93% of people won’t forward this.” Gee, ya know why? Cuz 93% of people are not dumb-ass superstitious suckers (at least w/ respect to chain-mail, remember nearly 50% of people elected Bush—twice!)
I don't care to receive chain-mail from you. I consider them THREATS--and i don't take too kindly to threats. A friend wouldn't wish me years of bad luck for neglecting to forward some fucking e-message anyway; s/he'd just wish me good luck and always hope the best for me.....
If the forwarded message is something you really think i need to see, then at least delete the do or die part at the bottom.
Bottom line, as far as chain mail: don’t dare send this shit my way or I’ll run you through with my sword—right through your chain-mail! Oops, i just threatened you. My bad!
But seriously, i think this is a very important topic. We need to spread the word. If you read and agree with my message, you should cut and paste this and send it off to 30 of your closest friends. If you don’t, you’ll continue to be cursed with . . . wait for it . . . chain-mail! Ironic, no? Damn, i did it again! Apologies for the threats.
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