HOW YOU GONNA DO ME LIKE THAT, I THOUGHT WE WAS FRIENDS?!!

OK, so i am being threatened on many different fronts.  It started in college with those e-mails.  Then on myspace, through bulletins.  Over the last couple years i received them through texts on my mobile.  Now, finally, it has caught up to me on facebook.  I hear it happens on YouTube as well.

I speak, of course, of chain-mail.  No, not what knights wore in the days of yore.  Rather, i speak the sometimes deceptive, usually threatening, and always annoying chain-letters.  Yes, like a virus, they have mutated on pandemic proportions into many different forms of chain- . . . whatever: chain-bulletins, chain-texts, chain-apps, chain-videos.

I understand that this shit even existed in the hey-days of snail mail.  People actually wasted money on paper, envelopes and stamps not to mention their precious time trying to write or use a typewriter (remember those?) to copy the same shit 10 or 20 times so that they could forward it to their unsuspecting friends and acquaintances.

They start off innocently enough sometimes, don’t they?  A touching story, a funny anecdote, a thoughtful wish or blessing.  Sometimes it is just straight religious propaganda.  Sometimes you know what’s coming and scroll right down to the bottom to find it: first, the fortune .

Send/forward this message to 30 of your closest friends and you :

~        Will come into financial well-being

~        Will find your true love at midnight tonight

~        Will be blessed by God and live an eternal after-life of peace

~        Et cetera

I’m sorry, do you really think that i believe this shit?!  So what is gonna happen, is a pumpkin coach gonna pull up, some frog gonna jump out and onto someone’s lap and magically turn into a fairy princess or prince charming when they kiss it?!!  Am i gonna win the lotto—i don’t even play the lotto!  Oh no, wait i’m gonna get rich cuz a long lost relative is gonna croak and leave me a million or two—well that’s nice: someone dies.  Idiots!!!  BTW, who has 30 close friends?!?!?

Oh, but wait…if you don’t send/forward this, it’s a threat you get: 

~        You will have seven years bad luck

~        You’ll never find true love

~        Die early

~        Et cetera

Are you fucking kidding me?!!  You’re threatening me!?!  Well, FUCK YOU!!!  How dare you, you god-damn, mother-fucking, cock-sucking, ass-licking, bitch-troll from hell, piece of shit!!!!!!!!!! Wait…! —Uncle Bob?!?!?!?! You sent this?!?!?!?!?  

The hell of it is i don’t ever recall receiving this shit in my bulk/junk folder as spam or otherwise from random people i don’t know.  No, sir.  The hell of it is, this bullshit is coming from friends and acquaintances, even family—WTF? 

I got a chain-text from my [unnamed relative] on Easter.  It was like, “Oh what did you get me for the holiday? Chain mail, oh great!  Now I’ll be protected from rogue knights with broadswords and angry great white sharks—oh, wait…wrong kind of chain mail.  You shouldn’t have.  No, really you shouldn’t have!”

My [other unnamed relative] sent me a chain-forward.  It was quite disgusting in that it was self-referential: the point of the story was that God would bless all those who read the forward, but you had to forward it to seven people.  It ended with, “93% of people won’t forward this.”  Gee, ya know why?  Cuz 93% of people are not dumb-ass superstitious suckers (at least w/ respect to chain-mail, remember nearly 50% of people elected Bush—twice!)

I don't care to receive chain-mail from you.  I consider them THREATS--and i don't take too kindly to threats.  A friend wouldn't wish me years of bad luck for neglecting to forward some fucking e-message anyway; s/he'd just wish me good luck and always hope the best for me.....

If the forwarded message is something you really think i need to see, then at least delete the do or die part at the bottom.

Bottom line, as far as chain mail: don’t dare send this shit my way or I’ll run you through with my sword—right through your chain-mail!  Oops, i just threatened you.  My bad!

But seriously, i think this is a very important topic.  We need to spread the word.  If you read and agree with my message, you should cut and paste this and send it off to 30 of your closest friends.  If you don’t, you’ll continue to be cursed with  . . . wait for it . . . chain-mail!  Ironic, no?  Damn, i did it again!  Apologies for the threats.

Rest In Peace, Michael Joseph Jackson 1958-2009

I was fortunate enough to have been in attendance for Michael Jackson's memorial service today.  The service was held at Staples Center in downtown Los Angeles.  Over 1 million people registered for tickets to the memorial.  Only 8 750 were selected in a lottery to receive 2 tickets.  My friends Robert and Ray were among the lucky few.  Thanks to Robert for inviting me.

We left early, expecting a ton of traffic and people afoot, knowing that several streets would be closed to traffic this day.  There were so many police around.  I think the entire payroll of the LAPD was on duty this day.  I saw just about every means of police transport aside from the mobile SWAT station and the battering ram.  There were police on foot, in black and whites (reg. squad cars), in unmarked cars, on horseback, on bicycles, on segways and even golf carts.

Everything was calm and orderly.  There were a handful of pricks holding signs reading, "GOD HATES FAGS," "JACKO IN HELL," "GOD HATES YOU" --just some wicked stuff.  But worry not, these are the true sinners who twist the word of the Lord and Jesus who will be going to hell.  Just some of the scum of the Earth that Michael had to endure whilst alive. Gosh bless their right to free speech, though.

We got to our seats on the premier level, right in front of the luxury suites.  Decent view.  The service began with Smokey Robinson reading condolences from Dianna Ross and Nelson Mandela.  There was then a long break.  As Michael's family and other celebrities, like Kobe Bryant, entered the arena the crowd clapped and cheered.  Then they brought in Michael's coffin.  Standing-O.  There were a pair of young ladies in front of us that were totally distraught over Michael's passing.  One knew they were the kind that would cry and scream and faint at a concert.  Here they could barely hold it together.  Such was the power of Michael.  I'm sure many like them were stationed throughout the arena, nearly hysterical over the tremendous grief and sense of loss we all felt on some level.

It really was a beautiful service.  I'm sure i need not describe it as i'll bet most of the world was watching.  I especially liked the performance by Stevie Wonder--another legend in the industry who also got his start as a child.  My favorite speech/eulogy was delivered by the Reverend Al Sharpton.  All the eulogies and performances were moving, though.  From the lightheartedness of Magic Johnson's rememberances to the struggle of Brooke Shields'.  I don't think anyone left the arena who hadn't shed a tear or at least welled up a bit.  If the rest of the service didn't get to you, then surely the end did, when one of Michael's children spoke.  Truley heartbreaking, truely.

It was a very emotional ceremony.  Before we left this morning, my friend asked if i was gonna cry as he stuffed tissue into his pocket.  I scoffed and said, "no."  I did not expect the service to be so moving to me.  I shed a tear more than once.  I don't think that if i had watched it on TV that i'd've had the same emotional reactions.  There is something about being in that space with all that emotion.  To be there to hear the cries and wails in the arena between speakers and performers, which one could not hear on the telecast.  People shouting out to Michael, as he lay inside his golden casket--truely befitting of a king.  Shouting out, "Michael, i love you!"  "Michael, you are my hero!" "Long live the king of pop!" and such and hearing the applauding approval from the rest of the crowd after each shout.  To hear the emotion in their wails. To see people fall to their knees crying out for their hero.  To feel the emotion vibrate though your skin to your bone--through your heart and soul--from the voices of the performers and eulogizers like Usher and Marlon.  It is just something which cannot be transmitted though airwaves and LCD screens.  It truely was an experience i shall never forget.

Michael, may you finally rest forever in peace.  You touched the world and we shall never forget.