DON'T...

I don’t want you to love me.  I can’t handle it.  I don’t want any of you to love me.  I cannot love.  It’s not my time to.  I have lost the will to.  All I want is friendship.  There is no way for me to reciprocate certain feelings.  If you think you might love me, I cannot love you back, so what kind of relationship is that?  I don’t need the fucking drama.  I really don’t.  I don’t even know how to manifest feelings properly.  Lately, I just sit and cry.

Once upon a time, I could be a sweet guy:  i am in no hurry to even start dating again. I don't even see it on the horizon, though i do know i don't want to grow old alone. Even though I cannot do it now, I really hope that at one point I will be able to find the courage to stop my life once I get too old and alone.

It is very hard for me to muster up feelings that used to come so easily for me. I used to be a really sweet guy. You know, romantic talk, sweet texts, poetry, little random presents, simple things to make another smile, even sympathy or empathy. The thought of these things sometimes turns my stomach and brings a bad taste in my mouth. I've even to relearn how to act in public. I feel i've emerged jaded and cynical and shallow and un-caring. This too, makes me sad.