DON'T...

I don’t want you to love me.  I can’t handle it.  I don’t want any of you to love me.  I cannot love.  It’s not my time to.  I have lost the will to.  All I want is friendship.  There is no way for me to reciprocate certain feelings.  If you think you might love me, I cannot love you back, so what kind of relationship is that?  I don’t need the fucking drama.  I really don’t.  I don’t even know how to manifest feelings properly.  Lately, I just sit and cry.

Once upon a time, I could be a sweet guy:  i am in no hurry to even start dating again. I don't even see it on the horizon, though i do know i don't want to grow old alone. Even though I cannot do it now, I really hope that at one point I will be able to find the courage to stop my life once I get too old and alone.

It is very hard for me to muster up feelings that used to come so easily for me. I used to be a really sweet guy. You know, romantic talk, sweet texts, poetry, little random presents, simple things to make another smile, even sympathy or empathy. The thought of these things sometimes turns my stomach and brings a bad taste in my mouth. I've even to relearn how to act in public. I feel i've emerged jaded and cynical and shallow and un-caring. This too, makes me sad.

SOMETIMES

Tears come easily to me these days, but I know not why.  There is a river at my feet, where there was not one before, not for years anyway.  I’ve spent so much time with friends lately, but somehow I feel so alone.  My feelings are heightened.  When I am mad, I punch things; my right hand is swollen.  When I am sad, I cry, sometimes uncontrollably.  Sometimes on the street, in front of people.  Sometimes by myself, in my palms.  Sometimes, I think of feelings and my heart sinks.  Sometimes I think of feeling and my heart  tears.  Sometimes I just don’t care anymore.   Sometimes, I just want to say good bye and wish everyone well.

OYG (Oh Your God)

I recently read an article about how the USA is moving closer towards non-participation in religion.  This is significant because, EVERY other industrialized nation is far ahead of this move.  

Finally, the US is catching up with the rest of the industrial world.  Religion is not necessary for a fulfilling life of morality or happiness. Why do people need others to tell them what to do; to tell them what is right and wrong? Should we risk spreading HIV or bringing unwanted & unneeded babies into this world just cuz the Pope says don't use condoms? Should we believe preachers who call homosexuality an abomination on Sunday and have a tryst with a gay lover on Monday? The world would be better off without religion. Members of each and every religious sect would say that religion unites, but it only unites like-minded people. Overall, religions separate and discriminate against the human race.  Like the rift between North American and African Anglicans.  Or the belief in succession after Mohammed's death (Sunni v. Shiite), itself a basis for rising hostilities which has led to war.   In truth, religion is not run by any god, but by man. Fallible man.  Put a man in power of something and watch the morals melt away and the greed and power mongering pour in: A Cardinal who plays a shell game with his pedophile priests.  A preacher who lives the high life in a big mansion whilst preaching the virtues of a life of modesty.  A King who wishes to break the covenant of marriage and breaks away from the church to form his own, so he can divorce.  A preacher who, though married, seeks the professional, carnal company of another, paying her out of the collection plate.  A succession of Popes who reappoint a Grand Inquisitor to torture non-Christians into the faith despite brotherly love and forgiveness being two of the most basic tenets of their religion. 

 

Now don’t judge me just yet….  I believe that that religion gives people hope, it does provide people with morals.  Not all of what the bible says is bad; yet, the simple realization of this fact—the fact that the Bible is nowadays only partially valid—is enough for me to say, you know what?  I know what is right and what is wrong; what is moral and what is not.  I don’t need some man in a robe to tell me what, or what else.  Religion IS NOT INNATE.  It is the product of human free-will and conscienceness.

Now, granted morality is totally societal-based, not innate.  Innate thoughts are what lead us to kill or be killed.  Innateness, let’s us be savages; the human consciousness is what divides us from the rest of the animal kingdom.  Human consciousness, led us to great inventions like the wheel, the spear, agriculture, imagination (fun), government, laws and morals.  Unfortunately, it also brought us, greed, envy, hatred, government and imagination (religion).  Has humanity grown too big for its own good?  For the Earth’s own good?  For the animal kingdom’s own good? 

 

Again, I do not think I am better than you.  If you truly know me, you will know that this is true.  I think I am a piece of shit.  I think I am no good to anyone (unless they want to use me, which is not uncommon).  I think I should die right here, right now.  (I cannot come to kill myself, cuz I’m too much of a coward, but if you wanna do it, please go right the fuck ahead, I don’t give a fucking shit).  Now, that said.  I am NOT holier than thou.  While I am still breathing, I think I’ll be human and voice my opinion.  If you don’t like it, so be it.  You are human and I respect you.  If you would deny me my opinion, so be it you are human and what else would I expect from you?  Humans are no gosh damn good.  All of them.  All humans must die.

 

Again, I digress.  Like I said, religions give hope to the world, and goodness knows most people need hope; need hope to be happy; to be complacent; to remain sane; to stay alive.  Some people need direction and don’t have it within themselves or their immediate community to give it to them.  In such cases, religion is a, well, blessing to them.  The weak.  Yeah, I said it.  It is my opinion.  Never talk to me again, see if I care. 

 

It just shows your fucking ignorance and arrogance, if you are soooo weak as to believe EVERYTHING SOMEONE ELSE tells you; to fall hook, line and sinker.  See…, just like a fucking human!  Just don’t equate human with humane!  All of you pious fucks who are totally devout, but only to your own brand of Christianity or Muslim or Judaism, fuck you!  You are no better than any participant in the Irish Catholic- British Protestant conflicts, the Sunni-Shiite conflicts, the Holocaust, the Palestinian-Isreali conflicts, the Talibani-Afghani conficts, the Inquisition….  You are no better than people in the 1800’s who opposed Irish-American & “white” Americans from being married.  You are no better than people in the in the 1900s who opposed blacks and whites from being married.  You are no better than people in the 2000s who oppose a man & a man or a woman & a woman from being married. 

 

Yet again, I am off on tangents.  My thing is, it’s okay to have religion, to believe and have faith in that which you cannot see, in that which has no logical proof--but don’t follow blindly, don’t be total sheep (sorry Catholics, the lambs of God).  Use religion as a guide, as advice; but don’t trust it blindly.  Think for yourselves.  Use religion as a stepping stone to true human consciousness, not as a substitute for it.  I do not look down on people with religion.  To believe in whatever you like is a human TRAIT, and therefore an indeniable human right, such as freedom of speech, thought, creed and the right to life, liberty and happiness. 

 

It would be nice if we could all have the same religion, wouldn’t it?  But that would never last and you know it.  Not if God gives humans free-will.  Someone, somewhere will come up with another sect, branch.  Humans will become corrupt and there will be another Martin Luther posting shit on a door. 

It would be nice if we could all not believe in religion, but just the same set of laws and morals, idk, let’s call it government.  Not if God gives us free-will.  Someone, somewhere will get greedy and power hungry and oppress those for his or her own gain.

To be fallible is human.  God’s great experiment is through.  Game over.  All humans must die.

 

I do not discriminate against anyone in particular.  I am an equal-opportunity discriminator.  Everyone dies.  End of story.  Fuck humans!

 

Now…, go ahead and begin hating me silently or tearing me apart openly, cuz you know what, I don’t give a flying fuck!

DOA, OOPS, I MEAN DOB

[Someone on FB recently requested my birthdate for their calendar. I started writing this, but did not send it. I cut it and pasted it here for my future amusement. I sent a much shorter and less morbid two-line message to him.]

Thank you for your recent request to record my date of birth. Apparently, i've not told you i am not normal. My DOB is nothing to be remembered nor celebrated. I do not. I'd much rather forget it. Yet, somehow, someone always brings it up. I hate it. I am always depressed and very nasty around that time (if i remember it). It brings me sorrow. Sorrow that i was even born (i know a few who will agree with me on that!) I hate humans. On the other hand, as long as i am too cowardly to take my own life, i will extend kindness and friendship to, well, my friends (and some of my family). I'll try to make the best of life, even though i hope it ends very soon. I can wear a smile but it is but a mask. A mask hiding the deep hatred for life and the human race. I am also very found of whisky and vodka. So that helps too.

Oh, don't get me wrong, i can have fun. I enjoy many things in life: your birthday, good friends, good whisky, good music, some of my family, a winning Dodger game, the sweet actions of an as yet innocent child, birds, bees, "the birds and the bees" (wink-wink), the tree leaves blowing in an autumn breeze, the waves of blue crashing on sand of white et cetera. It is humans who ruin everything. I should've been born an eagle or maybe a redwood.  

Ha! both currently being killed by humans...well, whadya know bout that?!!

Fuck everything and everyone!