I've worked retail for 10 years. Guess you could say I'm an old veteran now. I think I need to be decorated with some kind of war medal or somethin', I know my merv brothers and sisters will agree. Yes, it takes a special breed to deal with the public. Over the years I've heard all kinds of BS. Check out these golden nuggets:
This happened recently during our liquidation process. During this process we no longer accepted personal checks—standard practice during a liquidation, but I don't expect everyone to know that. So we posted signs. Big ones. Three, in fact. They were in black and yellow, the very combination by the way, which has been scientifically proven to be the easiest to read by humans (don't ask how I know this). So I am alone at the register, ringing people up. I have a line. After each person, I say "next," and as I hold yet a fourth sign which explains what tenders I accept, I also verbally explain that I can take credit only, no cash, no debit. So this warped frustrated old man and his wife come up to the desk. I give them their total. I notice he starts writing a check:
Ryan: I'm sorry, sir, we no longer take checks. Like announced before you came up, this is a credit-card only line. You may pay by cash or debit anywhere else in the store.
Warped frustrated old man: what?
Wife: They don't take checks, dear.
Warped frustrated old man: Wha?!! Well, they should post a goddamn sign or something!
Frustrated ryan: Actually, sir, there is a goddamn sign posted there, there, there and there. (oh, that felt good)
Warpy: How much is it? (as he pulls cash out of his wallet)
Ryan: sir, this is a credit only line…
Why are people stupid? Why??
Check out this bitch:
Cusomer: I want to return this.
Ryan: I'm sorry, your receipt is expired, this is no longer returnable.
Customer: I know it's expired, but you can take it back.
Ryan: There are some instances in which we can take something back in spite of an expired receipt, unfortunately, this is not one of those times, because we no longer carry this item.
Customer: Well, I was out of the country, so I couldn't bring it back.
Ryan: well, the time allowance on our return policy is quite generous. You had 90 days to return or exchange the item. Some stores only give you a week to return or exchange. If you can't get it here within 3 months there is nothing further I can do.
Customer: I know, but I was out of the country so how could I return it? I could not return it. I just got back yesterday.
Oh I'm sorry, let me have the entire corporation revolve around your fucking calendar. Bitch it's not my fault you were out of the goddamn country. Why didn't you stay out of the goddamn country you fucking slut!! Give me a fucking break!!! Goddamnit!!!! In fact, do I detect an accent? Don't make me call ICE on yo' ass! Bitch!!
How about this one:
Customer comes in and says, he's interested in a hoodie but didn't wanna pay a whole lot. I was busy with another customer, but asked one of my associates to show him to our less expensive hoodies. A couple of minutes go by and my associate comes up to me and asks me to help the same guy. I ask why and am told he wants some kind of discount. I walk up to him and ask how I can help him. In a long and drawn-out way he starts explaining how he thinks he wants a hoodie. He wants me to reduce the price though. He is kinda wishy-washy about it. He actually said that he wasn't quite sure he even really wanted a hoodie, but had never had one before and thinks he wants one now. Here's the kicker, to get me to reduce the price, he lays this one on me: "my doctor says I have only 4 months to live." Are you fucking kidding me?!! He kept going on trying to haggle with me. Look asshole, if you got 4 months to live, don't fucking waste your precious time trying to argue with me. Fucking take your whiny disease-ridden ass to Big Lots or some shit, buy one for a fucking 1$. In fact, I hope you do buy a cheap-ass one for a dollar, and I hope it is hella thin, and I hope you fucking catch pneumonia and I hope you die early! Put yourself out of my misery already, you prick! Fuck, get outta my face!
Once, a customer wanted to return something that we no longer carried. It was so old, the computer no longer even recognized the barcode. I explained that we could not make such a return or exchange. She would not exactly take no for an answer. She wasn't one of those I'm right and you're wrong kinda bitches, rather she was one of those whine-until-i-get-my-way kinda bitches. You know the kind? Anyhoo, she hits me with this load of crap: "please, you don't understand, if you don't take it back for the cash my husband is gonna divorce me!" Are you fucking serious, Ho?!! Did that shit just spew outta your mouth and into my ears?!!! Look you fucking cunt, if your husband divorces you for not coming back with refund money, trust me bitch, he ain't divorcing you cuz you couldn't bring back the measly 8$ the fucking apparel was worth. He's divorcing yo' bitch-ass cuz you're a fucking whining whore who can't keep track of her finances. Fact is, the pimp just needed to put his foot down—or should I say his hand—across your punk-ass face, biatch! Damn you must give his pimp hand some good exercise! You best go home and get on your knees and beg of his forgiveness. While you're down there why don't you take his fucking cock in your mouth too? Probably another reason he's divorcing your ass. Maybe if you'da done that over the years, he might not mind your overdrawn pocketbook, shit, as long as he's getting some. But no, you're like, ack, ack, I'm gagging! Waa, waa!
Bitch you'll take it and you'll like it, HO!
Goddamn, some bitches got nerve!
Oh, this is one of my fav exchanges:
Customer: I want to speak to the manager.
Ryan: I am the manager! (yeah, what now, asshole?!!)
Heehee, I love that one.
well, if i think of more stories, i'll post 'em, but that's all i gots fer now.
If what your country is doing seems to you practically and morally wrong, dissent is the highest form of patriotism.
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